As the CEO of Menslink, I spend a lot of time talking with young guys and their mums, dads and carers.
Observing the family dynamic is always interesting, and I do my best to offer guidance where possible.
One thing that constantly surprises me is how many parents I see still talk to their teenage (or even close to teenage) son as though he were a little boy. As parents, we’re all guilty of wanting our children to stay young forever. And oftentimes, we do our best to keep seeing them as the precious 5 or 6 year olds they once were.
However, my observation at Menslink is that all of our young fellas want to be known as men. They really want to learn how to grow up. So, referring to their mates as “your little friends”, or calling your son a “little boy”, or exclaiming how “cute” he is, can sometimes lead to unintentional resentment.
I remember my own childhood where, even from a really early age, I wanted to start hanging out with older guys. I wanted to learn how to become a man.
It’s a psychological change that seems to happen quite naturally as we approach puberty, and it can be an especially trying time for parents. And though it might signal an end to the “little boy” phase, it can also be a time to embrace the opportunity to help your son become a positive, caring and thoughtful young man.
Continuing to treat and talk with your developing son as a little boy doesn’t do him – or you – any favours. It doesn’t help him learn the critical transitions to manhood and can even build resentment. I remember one young guy telling me of daily battles with his mum who – with the very best of intentions – did absolutely everything for him, right up to later teenage years. When he tried to assert some independence (he was 17 after all), she snapped back at him “well you can do all your own laundry and everything from now on.” Of course she hadn’t ever shown him how to operate the machine and so he was left bewildered, hurt and maybe even more resentful.
This sudden change in attitude can really confuse your young guy, and cause tension at home. This is especially true for young men that have not been taught how to care for themselves up until that point, and are suddenly expected to have it all figured out.
Embracing independence
I often find that parents who actively invest in teaching their child how to be an independent adult find this trying time a little easier. Think about major transitions in your life (moving out of home, changing jobs, becoming a new parent etc…) and how much easier they were when you had a mentor or a guide showing you how to make the most of that transition. It’s the same when dealing with your young bloke.
I know as a Dad, when your kids are young, you have to do everything for them. Then, as they get a little older and start seeking independence, you want to do everything for them. It’s our way, as parents, of showing them that we love them.
But, in doing everything for them, in taking away hardships, risks and failures, we are really just creating a rod for our own backs – and our kids’. Teaching independence, life skills, and good decision making is about the best thing we can do for our young people.
Sometimes it means letting them fail…just so that they can feel the consequences of making a bad call.
It’s not easy; parenting never is! But if it brings us one step closer to bringing confident, well-adjusted and prepared young men into the world, it’s definitely worth a go!
Steve Biddulph and Maggie Dent are two fantastic experts that we regularly follow at Menslink. They both have some great tips on how to transition your teenage son into adulthood. You can find more information at:
Marty
These are general observations only, and not intended as advice. For professional advice, please seek the services of a counsellor or other professional.